Oh Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy Love

Yes...
I am cheesy...
And just speaking to her again makes me all smiley and girly and cheesy...
I am starting to believe that she really is falling in love with me again..

Anger and Procrastination...My Two Favorite Emotions...

Friday starts in 10 minutes, and the excitement and joy I had towards this day has died...

I am so angry with her.
It all started with facebook...she refused to add me as her girlfriend

" Oh no! I couldn't possibly do that! What happens if thirty years in the
future I need to be employed by some homophobic pig and he's so lame he checks
up on me and reads me facebook from years and years ago and won't hire me
because I was honest about my sexuality? What then? "

It irritates me so much! And if she could just see past herself and see that maybe there's a possibility that her not wanting me on this lame site makes me feel sad and stupid and as if she's a shamed of me.

It makes me angry!

And then, to try and convince her (her being my girlfriend who is meant to want me to be part of her life) to put me on her page...as a FRIEND, I told her that if she added me that I would tell her this address...
Oh why?

As usual this turned into a huge melodramatic emotionally fueled Scorpio fight...

So ten minutes (actually, about three now) before this big day that actually means a lot to me despite not actually being FOUR years...we're fighting...

And I've spent this whole time playing on this stupid facebook thing, and fighting with her about shit, that I haven't even started my English essay...

But lets be honest - I'll always find a reason to procrastinate.

Desperatly seeking

Slept until one o'clock today - and only got out of bed because I had a compulsory lecture that I needed to go to.

I can see how pathetic that is.

But I just don't care.

My life seems to be falling apart all around me - but if I actually step out of the craziness that is my head I can see that it's actually not.

On Friday I would have been with her for four years...
OK - let's re-phrase that.
On Friday we WOULD HAVE been together for four years - if last year's craziness hadn't have happened.

So Friday is an important day for me, and instead of being near her, I'm stuck 1000 km away in a small town with the craziest weather in the world.

Which is actually OK.

Having Friday be FRIDAY means that I have a reason to sit in my room and mope and sulk and not have people point and stare (yes - my paranoid self is showing her paranoid head) and ask stupid questions like if I'm OK.

Honestly, I'm excited for the chance to breathe.
I'm excited for the chance to be by myself and have time to watch movies I've wanted to watch, and sleep for 12 hours of the day, and let my mind be my mind.

Which is what I've been needing.

I need to feel as if I'm me again. Truly, essentially ME.
Hopefully this weekend of solitude will give me something vaguely resembling the crazy version of myself that I'm so desperate to see.

Truth be told...

There are such secrets happening in my head at the moment that I'd don't know where to begin...
I want so badly to be able to write them down - to free them from my head...to have something happen and be free of the craziness and paranoia and fear and general disappointment with everything.

But I can't.

I can't say these things out loud or make them real by giving them volume or tell the truth.

Need to go back somewhere.
Need to rewind and find myself in that place that makes me feel like me...

But in the same breathe...I don't.

Need to feel like me... But it will come...

As always - the strange and pathetic reality will be revealed...
As always it will make me feel like me...
And as always...I'll spend my days wishing I wasn't.

More uncomfortable than I thought...

Recently, I had to tell a complete stranger that I like girls...
OK..."had to" are the wrong words. I didn't have to anything. But I told her.
And before I told her I ummmed and aaahed and felt like what I was about to tell her would send her running 600 miles in the other direction - which, truthfully, wouldn't have been such an issue cause this girl really was a complete stranger.

See, now this is where my problem comes in- why did I even think about telling her? Why did telling this random that means nothing to me mean something to me?

Start to get all paranoid about sub-conscious issues that I might actually have, deep down... But then...

I don't know...

If I'm completely honest with myself I can say that I am uncomfortable with the idea of being lesbian. No - that came out wrong. I am uncomfortable with being called a lesbian - I think I'm worried that people will bracket me into that pathetic category that I know I have placed so many girls into - that of "so straight".

Even writing that I can see how ridiculous it is... I'm having doubts about who I am because I'm worried about what some stranger will think of me?

But I do have these doubts - and whether or not they're justified...they are there...

Back in the town of G

Back in Grahamstown...Which is weird, but at the same time....not.

Really do love this little town...

But wish she was with me...

Second time lucky??

Go back to Rhodes in two weeks...
Which means leaving her, and going back to the scary long distance relationship we tried before...
Or, more accurately, failed in before...
I guess, as before, only time will tell

Where has the old me gone?

It’s strange, because for some time now, whenever I looked at this page I felt as if a part of me was represented. Yes, this depiction of myself might be a teeny tiny representation of who I actually am, and my random babbling might be more who I think I am, than I actually am…But still…
Since returning home – which basically means slow, unstable internet access – I haven’t really shared many thoughts…
The strange thing is – is now looking at the page it’s almost as if two distinct parts of myself have formed: The blogger, who rants about random things that few people may actually care about… And the other me…
The me that spends hours watching E! Entertainment (wait…that many more hours than the previous me does…)
The me who has no secret private random thoughts…

Yes, I can step out of myself (both selves actually) and see how insanely ridiculous this sounds. I can see that it’s unreasonable to presume that just because I’m not posting my ideas on a arbitrary web page that I simply have none.
But I think it may just be true.

Yes. Without my trusty laptop and much needed spell check I am an empty vessel. OK. Semi-empty. I am, of course filled with the latest information about random celebrities are strangely familiar to me despite doing nothing but pose and party.

It’s sad…but it’s true.
But maybe my frankness will banish overly E! obsessed me, and call the ranter out to play…