I'm ready to be over her now...

I'm fine during the day - really - I'm absolutely fine, but the second night time comes, I feel like I can't cope anymore...
It's not that I want to get back together with her, it's just that without her - I don't know... I feel so alone - like I have no one to tell my thoughts to...BUT I know if we were still together that she wouldn't be the person I'd want to speak to...
I think it also upsets me how unaffected she seems by all this.
Whether I still want to be with her or not, I'm still upset about what happened. Our relationship really meant something to me...she really meant (means???) something to me...
And I'm just starting to realise that maybe I didn't mean the same thing to her...

At it's best...

My exams start in 7 days...

procrastination n 1: the act of procrastinating; putting off or delaying an action to a later time.

Welcome to my world...

Missing her...

I miss her...
Generally, but especially now...

Being narrow-minded must be fun - that's why everyone's doing it!

I was sitting in the common room day talking with a friend (about P, a girl I have a crush on) when this other girl explained how she HATES P...because she's GAY.
Yup, and then she went on to explain that it's nothing against P, it's just that she hates all gay people.
WOW! So that made is super awkward for me because everyone else in the room (except this narrow minded girl) know that I'm a fan of girls...so they all turned and looked at me - with pity in their eyes - as you can image... tons of fun for me.
Typically me, I couldn't keep my mouth shut and needed to ask why it was exactly that she was filled with such hate...

Me: So are you religious?
Narrow-minded girl: Yeah
Me: But if you're religious, why do you hate people?
Narrow-minded girl: Oh no - I don't hate people.
Me: But you just said you hate gay people...
Narrow-minded girl: No, I hate what they're doing. It goes against my beliefs.
Me: So your hate is based on who they love?
Narrow-minded girl: It goes against my beliefs.

Ok - don't get me wrong - I get people think that being homosexual is disgusting ALL the time (so much so that I've even been kicked out of one woman's house before) but the fact that this girl was so happy in being a narrow minded homophobe. That she couldn't even justify her disapproval on anything - religion as a reason is ridiculous... I mean the golden rule of all religion is loving your neighbour as yourself. That is the basis of all religion - Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism...I mean come on -

It doesn't bother me so much that she's so hateful - it's that she implies that being gay is a choice - and she's disgusted in that choice. I mean I could totally not be true to myself, and date men - and live in her perfect little world, but I would be unhappy - so yes, I'm choosing this lifestyle - I'm choosing to be happy - I'm choosing happiness, and love and fulfilment.

Could you imagine how devastated she's be if people hated her, and were disgusted by her and thought she was awful just because of who she fell in love with?

AAAAAH! It makes me so fucking angry - I'm at University with the supposed top 10% of the country, and I'm still surrounded by such narrow minded individuals! Don't get me wrong - her apposing something I agree with is fine - but he lack of tolerance for people is embarrassing.

She needs to read this - it's the site I got off a booklet my ex gave me. Then she can speak to me.

Remembering why I love Olive Schreiner...

“My feeling is that there is nothing in life but refraining from hurting others, and comforting those that are sad.”

The women in my life

I am still in love with the girl that now hates me because I was stupid and told her that I'm not in love with her anymore.
Even though I still love this girl, and I'm still in love with her, I don't want to be with her because she makes me cry, and I make her cry.
I'm convinced that I'm going to die alone - because no other woman would want to be with me. (Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself - OK - my heart is broken, I'm allowed to)
I spent the good part of last month convincing myself that I'm not in love with a straight girl who is just a friend.
The girls in my res either hate me (because I like women) or are being all worried-like at the moment because I've spent the last two weeks moping.
I miss my mother like there's no tomorrow, and have spoken to her everyday since I've had my heart broken, and I still haven't told her.
Come to not telling people, the only person in this res that I actually like - yeah - didn't tell her until I got drunk and couldn't stop crying. Fun.
I have never felt more alone in my life.

I think I might just be a sheep

Have started watching the funniest programme. how i met your mother. Shit this show is funny. The opening of each episode is pretty lame, but it's a good show.
Laughed so hard in like the second episode that I thought I would start crying.
Potential viewers, be warned, this is not complex, witty humour. This is drunken, varsity humour. But it's still damn funny.
Check it out for a laugh. Join the army of people who think it's great. Yes, become a sheep, so I don't feel so bad.

Something cool to look at...

Week of silence proves too much

It has been over a week since I've heard from her. I swear you would think that I'm expecting a call from God the way I jump for my phone on the rare occasion that I actually get a message. I have an essay due for tomorrow, and instead of spending my time writing the essay, I've been looking for songs to put in a c.d for her. Will think about it again in the clear light of day, but the plan so far is to mail her the c.d...Don't get me wrong - this is not a "please can we start dating" c.d, I just hate the way we are right now, and I want her to know that despite the ugliness of the moment I actually do love her, and for a really long time I was madly in love with her.
I wish she would phone me, or sms me...but I had a dream last night that she (finally) answered my call and when I had her on the phone I had nothing to say to her. I mean as much as I want her to know that I don't hate her, and that she is a really monumental part of my life - I don't think I actually want to speak to her...
I'm confused - all I know is this not knowing, this silence, it is all too much for me...

Karma

Just been to my friends room cause the cat that lives around our res had come in through her window. Just sitting with Mystique (the cat, not the friend) made me feel so much better...made me realise how much I miss my cat, Karma. Karma is the most amazing cat. Besides always being at the vet because the most ridiculous things - including falling out of a tree and breaking his leg - he is just fantastic. About three years ago I was having a really shitty time with life and my mom bought me Karma...she looked everywhere for a black kitten and finally found Karma - he was so tiny he could comfortably sleep in a tissue box.
My baby boy...
Really missing him today - am excited to go home and see him. He really does make me happy!

Standing up

Today I was part of an international campaign to stand up against poverty and hunger. Basically what the campaign is about is a reminder to world leaders of their promise to eradicate poverty by 2015. STAND UP is part of the Global Call to Action against Poverty month of mobilization around The International Day for the Eradication of Poverty (IDEP). This campaign can really change the world (as cheesy as it sounds) because it is such a blatant reminder to the world powers that something needs to be done about the millions of people dying daily due to extreme poverty. Just visit the site - see that it's worthwhile. Buy a white bracelet, join a forum,download material...stand up.

Wonderwall

Have had a pretty shit day today, I won't lie. With this stuff with Vanessa, and all this work I have to do, I have just been feeling so down. Was playing on my pc and I found a copy of (What's the story) Morning Glory, listened to Oasis's Wonderwall... couldn't help but feel so lonely when I listened to it. That song already meant so much to me, but to hear it today, when I'm feeling so miserable about Vanessa - it made me feel so empty.
It's crazy that a song can make you feel so much...so much loneliness...so much sadness for what is gone.
It will be good for tomorrow to come.

100 Things about me...

1. I have three brothers

2. I used to think I loved one more than the other two

3. Even though I don't think that anymore, I still feel awful saying it

4. I can’t drive

5. I’ve taken my drivers test twice – and failed

6. The first time I failed within 7 minutes

7. I prefer savoury to sweet every time

8. So much so that I dream about cocktail food

9. I always remember my dreams

10. I am a cat person

11. I judge people on whether they like cats or dogs

12. People who say they can’t choose irritate me

13. I like women

14. I prefer saying that to saying I’m gay

15. Both my parents know – but I didn’t come out to either of them. They both just figured it out.

16. Even though they found out separately, their response was the same: “you know you can’t have kids now?”

17. I wanted kids for a long time, but not really anymore

18. I’ve been in love twice

19. I’ve had my heart broken more times than that

20. I love to cook

21. I was the top home economics student at school

22.I find that fact embarrassing

23.I’m pretty obsessive

24. I think I’d be a damn good stalker

25. I like the smell of winter

26. I went skiing once when I was 13, and got stuck in the snow alone.

27. I thought I was going to die – seriously

28. I never used to bite my nails until this year

29. I’m a Scorpio

30. I totally believe in star signs

31. I want to live in New York when I’m finished my degree

32. Truthfully, I think I’ll be disappointed with it

33. I think sex before marriage is important

34. But I don’t believe in marriage

35. Partly because I don’t believe in God – and promising something to someone you don’t
believe in is lame

36. My toes are always cold

37. I love high heels, but I don’t want to wear them

38. The first time I got stoned my mom was home and I had sex with my (then) girlfriend in my bedroom

39. I think there’s nothing wrong with smoking pot

40. I drink a lot

41. But I’m at university, so it doesn’t count

42. I’ve almost been arrested for having sex in public

43. We bribed the policeman to let us go

44. I wear glasses to read

45. But also because I think I look smart with them on

46. The first time I flew in a plane I was 12

47. During that holiday my boyfriend broke up with me because he liked another girl

48. I’m afraid of infidelity

49. Probably because my father cheated on my mother

50. They’re still together though

51. That made me hates my dad for a long time

52. Now I think my dad is fantastic

53. I’m only really starting to see my mother as a person now

54. Before she was just a mother

55. I’ve never broken a bone before

56. But I chipped a tooth on a glass when I was drunk

57. I’m very jealous about the people I care about

58. If I stop being jealous, it’s not because I’m growing up, or maturing, it’s I've stopped caring

59. I was really depressed for about two years

60. My psychologist suggested I be hospitalised

61. I thought that was cool

62. I love Angelina Jolie

63. I get irritated when stupid people say they love Angelina Jolie

64. I find a lot of people stupid

65. I’m cleverer than I give myself credit for

66. Once my next door neighbour threatened to cut off my fingers if I didn’t stop throwing stones in his pool

67. It really upset me, but I still threw stones

68. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with porn

69. Or prostitution for that matter – it’s going to happen irrespective, they might as well make it legal - That way the people who need to be protected can be.

70. I have no idea what I’m going to do when I’m finished University

71. I don’t eat fruits or vegetables.

72. I am the most un-subtle person around – I’ll happily stare – except when it really counts

73. Overly religious people scare me

74. I grew up Roman-Catholic

75. I think that it’s a religion lead by guilt

76. I wish I was left handed

77. I used to think money didn’t matter until I went to university and didn’t have any

78. I used to be a waitress which was extremely degrading

79. I still tip badly

80. I care a lot about what people think about me

81. I pretend I don’t though

82. I weigh myself everyday

83. I want to be 10kg’s lighter

84. But I want that no matter how much I weigh

85. I fell in love with my best friend

86. We eventually got together - Which sucks when we broke up

87. I get freaked out by things that even I know is ridiculous – like milk in glasses that have patterns on them. I don’t know why, but it freaks me out.

88. If she wasn’t my mother, I’d still be friends with my mom

89. I have been tested for HIV. Not because I was worried but because it was part of the universities campaign to de-stigmatise being tested.

90. Even though I knew I’d be negative, I was still scared to get the results.

91. I love Christmas time more than any other time of year

92. If I’m sad I’ll listen to Christmas carols to cheer me up

93. I love Coke. I used to love it more, but then I started drinking vodka and Coke – and now all Coke has a slight vodka taste to me.

94. I’m attracted to tall people. I also generally like blondes. But I wouldn’t say that if you asked me.

95. I’m not afraid to say cunt. I find it expressive – and if people are offended by it’s use, then doing its job.

96. I want a tattoo, and will probably get one, when I have money again.

97. I have shop lifted before. More than once. I don’t really feel bad.

98. I have huge trust issues, and I have no idea why.

99. I am a big believer in Karma – it usually doesn’t stop me from doing things. But it does make me feel better when other people are horrible, or when I do something good.

100. I hate intolerance and disrespect more than anything else.

Hangover Hell

I officially hate alcohol...I have a hangover the size of God, and all I want to do is eat but i still have 40 minutes until the stupid dinning hall opens for lunch. Shit I feel bad, and it's hot...

hanging in the heat - always fun!

Please someone kill me now...

But hey, last night was fun...

A dedication to art

For almost over a year now I've wanted to get a tattoo. I have no issues about tattoos (obviously) and the people around me are pretty encouraging (and by that I mean I've had no treats of death, nor been told it will turn me into a scummy whore) but for some reason I'm too scared to make that step. I've thought about it really long and I know what I want, and I have no fear that one day I'll "outgrow" my choice. I'm under the opinion that if I feel that strongly about something that I would be willing to have it permanently etched onto my body, that even if the passion one day disappears that I'll always remember that time in my life...tattoo or not.

Hell, I'd even break the basic rule of safe tattooing and get a tattoo with somebody. Yes, it shames me to say it, but I would do the whole matching tattoo thing. OK...I’d never have someone’s name tattooed on my ass or anything like that, BUT I would tattoo a symbol that, to me, represents our relationship.

But now serious, responsible Jessica kicks in. I want a Latin quotation tattooed across my left fore-arm. Ok, that's all good and well, and then one day, when I’m out of Grahamstown and in the big bad judgemental world? Would somebody really want to hire a woman with a tattoo on her arm??? Hmmm??? See - THIS is where my problem comes in...

But seriously...would you want your child to be taught by someone like that? A pierced, tattooed woman?? EXACTLY!!

I guess I could always change where I want the tattoo...but come on...stubborn old me - change my mind? Sounds likely.

My life is shit

I was gonna explain how shit my life really is, but the drunkenness has worn off, andthe tears have strtaed to come, so i don't really have the energy... I don't wanna play this game anymore...

Procrastination is the key to success

I have a test tonight on Japanese...I know...and seeing as I very stupidly forgot to go right my last Linguistics test I really need to do well. So, I have a bout 6 hours until my test, and with full knowledge of how I have to kick ass, I have yet to open my books...WHY OH WHY do I insist on procrastinating??? Even this now - a mindless excuse to not learn how to conjugate verbs. But, on the upside of today - I get to have my favourite lunch, which I haven't had all term...AND - I get to go to the Amnesty International AGM and eat samosas till I explode. So all in all, life is mediocre (you know - combination of super shit and good food). Should probably start looking at the vocab - have about 200 words to learn by tonight...but before then - Art tutorial and (I am seriously SO excited) my happy happy lunch...

Crazy out of love??

love...or lust, makes us do crazy things - and it's only once the love has gone that we realise how crazy they really were...what scares me about what's happening in my life at the moment, is that i am starting to see the craziness...slowly, the edges of my love glossed world are starting to fray, and i've begun to see the insanity of it all...no matter how uch i don't want to seee it, no matter how hard i close my eyes and sing loudly to drown out the sound...the craziness is there - screaming at me...
I've come to realise that just like you can't help who you fall in love with, you can't help who you fall out of love with...no matter how much you don't want things to happen...if they're meant to, they will.
Found this strip from site, www.asofterworld.com, and it well - well, just click on it to have a look -

The Fray

been 150 million hours since i last even thought about blogging - i'm a bad blogger...i know...
...anyway...
listening to The Fray...am so obsessed with their music at the moment..it's fantastic...especialy "heaven forbid" - makes me feel like i know who i am...it's that type of song...just want to listen to it over and over again...oh wait...i do...yes, it's true...i'm a song murderer...but the fray is just that good...you really need to listen to it...fantastic!!!!