What have I done?

I really was starting to get over her...

I had stopped thinking about her and was ready to move on with my life - and then I spoke to her, and realised that I still love her.

I still love her, but I can't have her in my life...

Speaking to her was a big mistake - and now I can't get her out my head

What I wanted wasn't actually what I wanted

So, after weeks and weeks of crying and moaning about all I want is her..after thinking about her non stop and aching for her, she finally messaged me...
It's not what I wanted after all...

Another year older...and days couldn't be better

I am a fan of birthdays - I like other peoples birthdays - I like my birthday...the whole thing just makes me so happy...

Presents and cake and laughter and drunkenness and just a hazy crazy time of happy...

Then 2006 rolls round and I'm meant to spend my birthday ALONE - for the first time in my life...

My family is in another province

My girlfriend is now my ex-girlfriend

My friend L is basically ignoring me

Considering how I expected the day to be, I have never had such an amazing birthday...

My mom flew down to G-town to surprise me on the 17th, which just made me so unbelievably happy...

So I got to spend the day before my birthday with my mom, eating FANTASTIC food and just generally chilling with my mom...

We went to dinner that night and then went to watch a random flick (The ice something?-random random movie!!)

Came back to res - was sung to at 12 on the dot by friends....

I was messaged by her at 12 exactly...

L left prezzies for me outside my door...

Got cards and pressies from girls in res...

Got sms's from people I haven't heard from in almost a year...

Spent the day with my mom, shopping and eating...

Had a delicious dinner with my mom...

Had pre-drinks with L...

Heard that the DJ I'm in lust with is still in town...

Got some birthday action from a girl in my res...

Got horribly drunk and flirted my brains out with (another) girl I like...

Happy happy day for me...

It really was fantastic

Another year older - and this year looks like it's going to be fucking fantastic!

A look inside my head...

If I had any memory at all, or if I wasn't too lazy to look back at old posts, I would see if I've already gone on (and on) about asofterworld.com... but seeing as I have no memory - and I'm super lazy - I'll just do it again...

This site is fantastic!

It's thought provoking, and shocking, and sometimes surprisingly sad in it's honesty....

Here are a few (OK - maybe more than a few) that I downloaded ages ago and have had on my P.C.

For some reason these ones really stand out for me today...

Maybe it's the place I'm in right now...

Maybe they always did...
Who knows?
















Yeah - and if I was all observant like I'd see that the ones that stand out for me are about love, and betrayal - and a loss of hope...

Good thing I'm not all observant like...

Same sex marriages legalised in S.A

Yesterday South Africa became the first country on the continent to legalise same sex marriages. None of this crap about civil unions - you can't get married but really it's the same thing so be happy about what you can get -

Unlike earlier versions of the Civil Union Bill, the statute that has been passed no longer creates a separate category for lesbian and gay people exclusively but rather broadens the institution of marriage to include same-sex couples.

To be allowed to marry...

Although the bill has a few details that are not exactly perfect (like a civil union officer being allowed to reject a couple if they find us gays morally corrupt) it does recognise same sex couples in the same way it recognises heterosexual couples.

It makes me proud to be a South African - and proud to be sexually liberated.

South Africa is only the fifth country in the world to legalise same-sex marriages.

Other countries include the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain and Canada. The state of Massachusetts, USA is the only state in the US to allow it.

Check out more details here...it shows the countries opinions - good, bad, and narrow-minded...

Surprise...

just give it a click for a bigger view

Our big angry hateful world...

This is the world we live in. A world that is so full of intolerance and hatred that other people refuse to let strangers - people that they don't know - be happy.

I mean really...come on!

What difference does it make to you if some random person somewhere else believe in a different God from you? If believing in this God makes me happy?

What difference does it make if I want to smoke pot - if it's not affecting you at all? If it makes me happy?

Really - what difference does it make in your life if I chose to have an abortion? Really? How would it affect your life if - instead of bringing a child into the world that I wouldn't be able to feed or clothe - instead of bringing a child into the world who isn't wanted or loved - instead of dropping out of University - I had an abortion? If, without the child I would be happy?

What difference does it make to you if I'm in love with a woman? If I want to spend my life with a woman? If being with a woman makes me happy?

Why do complete strangers wish unhappiness on me?

There is just such a high case of intolerance in this world. And I'll admit that I am one of those people who are intolerant. I am intolerant of ignorance, and prejudices, and hatred based on religion, or gender, or sexuality. I am intolerant of people that cause unhappiness.

And although these people should not be recognised, although angry hateful comments should be ignored it's difficult.

It's difficult to ignore the fact that you're being pushed in the club because you're a "homo".

It's difficult to ignore that people will hate you and not be friends with you, just because of who you love.

It's difficult to hear people use the word "dyke" - and express their hatred for you.

It's difficult to be judged merely based on the people you love.

It's difficult to not judge them back.

It's difficult to not become as narrow minded and hateful as those people - to not be intolerant of them, and their narrow minded lifestyle.

It is difficult to not be angry...

God's little gifts to me...

God has been blessing me with a few gifts of late...Which, if you ask me, if re-payment for the shit time I've been having...

The girl I am in lust with finished her last exam the other day - and HASN'T gone home yet...giving me ample time to perve...

I got e-mails from my friends A and S - who I haven't heard from in ages...and I found out that A is coming to varsity here, with me next year...

My favorite character in the local soap opera has returned (yes - I would judge me too)...

The water is finally clear again - meaning clean clothes, clean bodies and good food...

And...

Katherine Moennig exists...

Yip...

Life is fantastic!

The five stage of grief

Stage 2: Anger

I think I've reached anger. OK - I KNOW I've reached anger.

I'm angry at who she's become.

I'm angry at how things ended and the way she treated me.

I'm angry that she's being so fucking pathetic about the whole situation and is such a child that she won't even speak to me on the phone.

I'm angry that she doesn't care that we've broken up.

I'm angry that I ever loved her.

I'm angry that I still do.

I'm angry that I was never number 1 for her.

I'm angry that she was for me.

I'm angry that she could never tell me I wasn't her 1.

I'm angry that I'm angry because that means I still care.

I'm angry that I think about her.

I'm fucking angry that I'm angry!!!

I'm angry that she wasn't the girl for me, and I knew it - and I still stayed with her.

I'm angry that I care.

NOT living each day like it's my last

If I had one day to live

I would want to spend that day with her...
And I would tell her that I love her...
And that I'm in love with her -
I would marry her - even though it means we would only have been married for a day.
I would want to be her wife.
I would make love to her...
And I would ask her to hold me.

I'm shit at emotional detatchment

I am so terribly awful at just shutting myself off. God, that's all I want to do right now... I want to just switch off any feeling I still have towards her, and get on with my life.

But I can't...

All I want to do is call her, or speak to her, or see her - or anything...

I just can't accept that this person that she's being is who I dated for three and a half years. This isn't the girl I feel in love with - this isn't the girl I wanted to spend my life with - I want that girl back!

The new person is so terrible. But then I actually start to think about our relationship and I realise that she's been both people all along - she's always had this other person inside her... Every time she made me cry, or broke my heart, or made me feel like I didn't deserve her - that was that other person...that selfish, childish, influenced person.

I'm just holding on so deeply to this phantom idea of who she is, and what our relationship was about...I don't understand why she can't be that person - yes, I'm being irrational - I don't care right now

I would give so much to just be over her...To not care if she's thinking about me - to not want to know if she's talking about me - to want her to be happy...

Was ranting today to girls in res about how I'd probably have a nervous breakdown if I found out she was dating someone else - and how if she was with someone else, I would want her to be with a man...because I can't compete with a man - but if she was dating a man - she's be dating a man...and truthfully, that would probably kill me!

I don't know... my mind is so fucking contradictory at the moment that I don't even know how I feel.

I guess there's still a part of me that thinks we're going to get back together. Yes - I'm disillusioned - we haven't spoken in three weeks, she rejects my calls and ignores my e-mails - but we're going to get back together

When I'm honest with myself though - I don't actually want to get back together with her. Not with the crazy, horrible, emotionless version that seems to have possessed the girl I loved. I want to be with the girl I fell in love with. The girl who put me first and love me for me...
I want to be with a girl that doesn't exist...

Fucking fantastic for me.