I'm shit at emotional detatchment
I am so terribly awful at just shutting myself off. God, that's all I want to do right now... I want to just switch off any feeling I still have towards her, and get on with my life.
But I can't...
All I want to do is call her, or speak to her, or see her - or anything...
I just can't accept that this person that she's being is who I dated for three and a half years. This isn't the girl I feel in love with - this isn't the girl I wanted to spend my life with - I want that girl back!
The new person is so terrible. But then I actually start to think about our relationship and I realise that she's been both people all along - she's always had this other person inside her... Every time she made me cry, or broke my heart, or made me feel like I didn't deserve her - that was that other person...that selfish, childish, influenced person.
I'm just holding on so deeply to this phantom idea of who she is, and what our relationship was about...I don't understand why she can't be that person - yes, I'm being irrational - I don't care right now
I would give so much to just be over her...To not care if she's thinking about me - to not want to know if she's talking about me - to want her to be happy...
Was ranting today to girls in res about how I'd probably have a nervous breakdown if I found out she was dating someone else - and how if she was with someone else, I would want her to be with a man...because I can't compete with a man - but if she was dating a man - she's be dating a man...and truthfully, that would probably kill me!
I don't know... my mind is so fucking contradictory at the moment that I don't even know how I feel.
I guess there's still a part of me that thinks we're going to get back together. Yes - I'm disillusioned - we haven't spoken in three weeks, she rejects my calls and ignores my e-mails - but we're going to get back together
When I'm honest with myself though - I don't actually want to get back together with her. Not with the crazy, horrible, emotionless version that seems to have possessed the girl I loved. I want to be with the girl I fell in love with. The girl who put me first and love me for me...
I want to be with a girl that doesn't exist...
Fucking fantastic for me.
But I can't...
All I want to do is call her, or speak to her, or see her - or anything...
I just can't accept that this person that she's being is who I dated for three and a half years. This isn't the girl I feel in love with - this isn't the girl I wanted to spend my life with - I want that girl back!
The new person is so terrible. But then I actually start to think about our relationship and I realise that she's been both people all along - she's always had this other person inside her... Every time she made me cry, or broke my heart, or made me feel like I didn't deserve her - that was that other person...that selfish, childish, influenced person.
I'm just holding on so deeply to this phantom idea of who she is, and what our relationship was about...I don't understand why she can't be that person - yes, I'm being irrational - I don't care right now
I would give so much to just be over her...To not care if she's thinking about me - to not want to know if she's talking about me - to want her to be happy...
Was ranting today to girls in res about how I'd probably have a nervous breakdown if I found out she was dating someone else - and how if she was with someone else, I would want her to be with a man...because I can't compete with a man - but if she was dating a man - she's be dating a man...and truthfully, that would probably kill me!
I don't know... my mind is so fucking contradictory at the moment that I don't even know how I feel.
I guess there's still a part of me that thinks we're going to get back together. Yes - I'm disillusioned - we haven't spoken in three weeks, she rejects my calls and ignores my e-mails - but we're going to get back together
When I'm honest with myself though - I don't actually want to get back together with her. Not with the crazy, horrible, emotionless version that seems to have possessed the girl I loved. I want to be with the girl I fell in love with. The girl who put me first and love me for me...
I want to be with a girl that doesn't exist...
Fucking fantastic for me.
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