*sigh*

I've messed this up big time and I don't know what to do to fix that...
There is no solution to my problem...
FUCK!

On a serious note

I honestly don't know what to do about her.
It's almost as if my mind has put up all these constructions for our relationship - and there's all these things that I'm not allowed to feel, but I still do...
And over and above all these constructions I feel like a total fool because of her being with no.2 - and I feel even stupider for getting upset about it.
And what scares me the most is that, even though when we're together if feels good...it doesn't feel right.

I think that I'm no longer emotionally attracted to her...

I don't want to lose her, but the only way to do that is to be with her - and I know I can't do that.

Sleep and perspective is what I need.

Oh! I am a complete idiot!

So went to Oh! last night, a gay bar in Melville.

Actually, Oh! was surprisingly cool (it's surprising because Oh! is sort of known for being a gay man's bar - but homos are homos right?)
Anyway - It was cool! Despite the naked men on the walls, and TV, and the oiled and greased barman - I felt at home...sort of...well it was a place that I could kiss her (I know...so much for it's over for good) and not be gawked at by dodgy men.

So we're having a good time...She's buying me tequila (I know) and we're dancing and just generally being drunk and..dare I say it...in love???

Then, me, being the big idiot that I am - think it's a good idea to ask her about the girls (and boys...but they not quite so important) she's been with since the big split...

BAD MOVE #1
Ask her about girl no.1
No.1 is a mutual friend of our that I used to think was hot and is pretty much known for being a complete (wo)man whore.
Great.
This is who she got with...
Three times as it turns out...
Idiot me thought they only got together once and already that was basically killing me.
When I found out they'd been together (mind you I thought it was only once at the time) I spent the entire weekend thinking bout it...and when we were together...it's all I saw when I saw her.

So, seeing as I'm pretty upset by this news, and extremely inebriated, I think the best thing to do is to try and upset myself more by asking about girl no.2

BAD MOVE #2
She was basically having a relationship with no.2 (something she tells me today when we're fighting) Was told...

"I don't understand why you're upset with me when I cheated on HER with YOU"

I know...Then last night idiotic me asks when was the last time they were together.
MONDAY.
Monday was the last time she was with no.2
Monday - the day before I slept with her.
Monday - the day I told her what I would want to do if I had one day to live...
Oh! God I'm a complete embarrassment to the human race.

And instead of leaving with allure and mystery (both very easily achieved with smudged make-up, glazed over eyes and a runny nose) I had to follow her to her car cause she was giving me a lift home.
FUCK!

Guess I'll have to keep my glamorous exit for the next time I have my heart miserably broken.

Sometimes I feel like the entire universe is mocking me.

Last night I was a drunken idiot...
Today - a hungover idiot
And tomorrow I'll be a sad sad idiot.

The internet is evil

I wrote this whole long post explaining the drama of last night...And Oh! was there drama...and then the page refreshed and I lost it all...
When I am refilled with patients and energy I will re-explain all the drama that is my life...

My very first McWedding

Something crazy happened on Friday night. And yes, it's Sunday...But I've been distracted lately...trying to figure out what's happening in my mind, and what's happening in her mind, and wishing slightly that none of this had started...

Off the point...

Coming back from an contrasting evening with her, I stopped at McDonald's for some dinner...

And believe it or not, there was a bride and groom happily eating a mcflurry...

Now I chose to ignore the blatant sign of love being shoved in my face minutes after telling her that this was goodbye for real... (yes universe, I'm ignoring you)... and literally stopped and stared.

It is important to note here that god did not bless me with tact or subtlety and so when I say stare I really mean gawk.

The couple (and their family, with Gran in tow- who, by the way did NOT look impressed) didn't seem to think there was anything unusual about a McWedding.

OK- is it just me? Or is McDonald's a really random place to go for your wedding? I mean COME ON!

So maybe they met in McDonald's... K, that's cool, then eat McDonald's at the wedding... But to sit down on the (grubby, kid covered) plastic red chairs in a (VERY) white dress...

Not my idea of fun!

But seeing as I am not really into the whole marriage thing and have never pictured myself walking down the isle in the typical little girl fantasy, I can't actually judge...can I?

Maybe McDonald's was part of her fantasy...

Maybe his...

But if my spouse (yes - in this hypothetical wedding, I actually believe in the concept of marriage) said they wanted our wedding at a McDonald's I don't think I'd be very willing!

All I know is that a McDonald's wedding was something I'd never seen before, and I'm highly doubtful I'll see again...

Hurting either way...

It's over now...for good

And all I want to do is stay in bed till I get to go back to Rhodes...

Body 1 - Mind 0

I am an idiot...
I let my body make all the decisions while my mind sat there, being confused...

Mind: I don't think this is a good idea
Mind: But I really want this
Mind: But I'm not in love with this girl
Mind: Maybe I just shouldn't do anything
Mind: But there must be a way around this
Mind: I don't know! Maybe this can work
Mind: But does she even want this to work? Ask her?
Mind: NO! What happens if she says no!
Mind: WAIT! She's been speaking! What the hell did she say!
Mind: Just look confused and maybe she'll repeat it...

And while my mind was fighting with its self...

Body: Fuck you mind...I'm going for it!

And now I'm so deep in it I don't even know where I am.
Yes, I am happy to admit it, I'm a complete idiot!

Women, *sigh*

I have decided that people from Cape Town are by far the most attractive people in South Africa...
We have B, tall incredibly sexy man
Also P, our most favorite of all DJ's
and, of course, the sexiest of all, F...*sigh*
In the wee hours of the morning I met the sexiest girl I've ever seen in a loooooooong time...No...so incredibly sexy...
*sigh*
She was gorgeous...Dark and thin...and well...fucking sexy
*sigh*
Wow...that girl was HOT!

And just as I was starting to get over her, and being happy in the land of sexy Cape Town girl, she had to come back into my life...
Oh God! And I have no clue what I want from her...

Missing the Sparkle

Suzy was a winner
At every end of year dinner
Drinking the sea and then laughing loudly
Her eyes were made of sequins
They lined up just like penguins
To flap their wings and then kiss her feet

But you, fall on me, and watch TV
Pass me the phone, I need a conversation
You're feeling down, just like this town
Your eyes they always sparkle me with love

Alice was a poser
The kind who'd take her clothes off
And sit in a room full of frozen faces
I heard she went to find God
In the Indian sub-continent
It's mad she had to go so far

But you, fall on me, and watch TV
Pass me the phone, I need a conversation
You're feeling down, just like this town
Your eyes they always sparkle me with love

Now I'm no Jackanory
But this is allegory
We run to the world but we creep indoors
And I know I need you more now
To run and never turn around
Sparkle the world with what Alice found

And you, fall on me, and smash the TV
Rip out the stupid phone, we need a conversation
You feel this time, to be just mine is
To shake the world alive

Accountability on World AIDS Day

I am often lead to believe that the power houses of the world are ignorant and have ridiculous beliefs about the way I live in South Africa. When my country change the marriage bill to include same sex couples, the response by people living elsewhere was not that of congratulations, or encouragement, but utter shock... How on earth can South Africa make such a liberal change? South Africa - of all places???

So today, when I realised that it was December 1, and World AIDS Day, I jokingly asked my brother, why do they call it World AIDS Day, it's not like the rest of the world cares...

I can see how ridiculous that seems, here we are, complaining how ignorant the rest of the world is about Africa (how it's an entire continent as apposed to a country) and AIDS, and I was utterly convinced that the rest of the world didn't give a damn about AIDS and HIV

Today, instead of only celebrating a day that encourages the education about, and eradication of AIDS, I am also celebrating an open mind. I am celebrating the death of stereotypes and ignorance. Two things that have helped to fuel the virus that is killing 1200 children each day.

As all South African's will know, we had a very high profile court case this year involving ex-deputy president Jacob Zuma. This man was acquitted of having raped an HIV-positive woman. The rage instilled in me about this alone is indescribable. But this stupid man didn't think that showing his country that rape is acceptable was enough, he then had to explain that he took a shower after having sex with her, to help combat the virus. “It [a shower] ... would minimise the risk of contracting the disease.” Zuma also explained why he had unprotected sex with an HIV positive woman , stating he “had prior knowledge of the risk involved from the work I did with the South African National Aids Council. I knew the risk was minimal."

This man, who, frankly, I am embarrassed a share country with, helped to push back the HUGE steps taken by women's rights, and AIDS education in this country.

Instead of being accountable for his actions Zuma started a belief that the virus can just be washed away. Zuma needs to listen to the UN Secretary-General, Kofi Annan's World AIDS day message...

"Accountability -- the theme of this World AIDS Day -- requires every President and Prime Minister, every parliamentarian and politician, to decide and declare that “AIDS stops with me”... But accountability applies not only to those who hold positions of power. It also applies to all of us... And it requires every one of us help bring AIDS out of the shadows, and spread the message that silence is death."